Sunday, July 27, 2014

On My Way

I celebrated my 26th birthday last week. I think I have grown a lot in these last 26 years and now, I am over the incubation period.

As a teenager you spend a lot of time thinking about and deciding what kind of person you want to be. You "choose your own adventure": I'll wear this type of clothing, listen to this type of music, participate in these kind of extracurriculars....

And as a newlywed and first time mom, you go through some of that incubation period again, deciding just what "brand" you want to be.

Well, I'm no longer trying to figure out who I want to be.

I've decided I want to be strong and steadfast. Obedient, unashamed. Kind and charitable. Humble and earnest.

And now that I've decided, I'm not going to let my situations in life change me. I will be the same in a new state, a new phase of life, with a new group of friends.

I am still young, and I have noticed, still insecure. I can clam up around people I don't know, or resort to old ways in settings where I am expected to act a certain way, or feel lost in an unfamiliar situation. But I have realized that it is no longer because I don't know who I am or how I want to be, but because feeling comfortable in your own skin takes time. That can be fixed.

I will get over insecurity, I know. I have sure hope in this.

I also have a sure hope in who I will be. Before I decided and was still wishy-washy, there was a big question mark on that girl down the road. Sometimes I have big ideas about being good, but I don't know, what if I get lost in a thicket? Caught up in my surroundings or affected by my peer group? I would wonder.

But no, now that I have decided who I want to be, I can see the person who will look back at me in the mirror in twenty years. She has a kind heart. She is free from the marks of the world. She does not desire to sin. She listens and notices others. She has a deep personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

This is not something I wish for, unsure if it will happen. This is something in which my hope is sure, because I know that the decision I have made has gotten to the point that it is unchanging. I am at that point. From now on, it is just growth. I will surely slide backward from time to time, just as I always have, but being sure of your identity is not something you can slide back on. It is once and for all.

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