Wednesday, June 11, 2014

I'm So Postive and Real Motherhood

I don't talk about it much but I've gotten a few nice comments back about this blog. It's nice to be noticed, but truth be told I would write this stuff whether people read it or not. I learn so much from writing.

The comment I get the most is "you're so positive" so I want to make sure I keep it real on here.
No matter how real I try to be on here (posts like this), there's nothing quite like seeing it in person. I don't live in short, beautifully composed blog posts with a lesson at the end. Not everything can be captured through a computer screen, no matter how hard you try. Our test is in our human life, and not a virtual one.

I do try and be positive, but I want it to be said that I don't live positive. I am positive in retrospect. I am trying, ever trying, to live positive.

Progression. Growth. Change.

I'm in a stage of motherhood that is physically challenging. I'm in charge of three little people's every single need, I alone am responsible for all of their clean up and messes, and also all of my own needs. Overwhelming is a good word for it because it is literally impossible to do. Day in, day out. Wake up and do it again. It would start to wear on any human being who would be asked to do this.

The days are sometimes long. Sometimes I sit on the porch alone just to hear something that isn't screaming. It's a never ending battle as to what messes I can attend to during the day. I'm quick to anger in my comfortable environment. This is what it's like everyday, if not most days, or certainly moments throughout each day, behind our front door.

Progression. Growth. Change.

I know how to be and even how get to where I want to be. I know how I'm supposed to respond. I even know how to make myself respond that way. I've written it and read it, and reread it, over and over again. But I don't choose it most of the time.

I'm growing. I am going through an intense purification process. I am being refined.

It does not come naturally to human beings to carry a cross and a smile. If we are positive through our trials it's because we were first un-positive.

But hope is an incredibly real idea to me. I'm not hoping for a change in my situation, although I know that will come with time. I have hope in what the other side of purification looks like.

You may see my frown under the weight of it. Stressed, harried. I bend under it. Behind closed doors the darkness sometimes consumes me. Mary wore a look of concern, too. Pain is a part of the human experience.

Certainly this is not an excuse for poor behavior. On the contrary, it only motivates me to work harder to respond better. I have learned that the sooner I fix my behavior, the quicker my hope will become reality.

We women like to think we are alone. That we are the only one who struggles. You are not alone. Even my strongest friends let the weight show when they are alone. You are not somehow "broken" because you feel this way. We all feel this way. Weighed down, yoked to hard things. Hope for a brighter day. Choose light. You, and I, we will get there.


  1. I love this. I feel the same way so often. I like to document the (happier) moments but not all the unhappy ones, only the funny unhappy ones. But sometimes I write to just encourage myself to be better. You are SOOOO good and writing deep thoughts of progressions and change and motherhood and I envy that, I feel like I barely scrape the surface in what/how I write. I love to read your blog Ashley!

    1. Thanks Kimber! I'm excited for you and your new babies that are coming! I loved that post where you told all of the thoughts/logistics that went through your mind. It was so honest, I totally would have thought all of those things if I found I was having twins!

  2. Looks just like my house. ;) I'm glad I'm not the only one. I love this post. Do you mind if I share?

    1. Please do share, Kathryn! Hope you are doing well!