Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Children need Love

I was out of control. I was crouched on the floor, hot angry tears on my face. I took a few swings at my husband's legs to show how upset I was.

It wasn't in reaction to a specific event, necessarily, or a specific person. More than anything I think it was just a hormonal "episode": my pregnancy hormones getting the best of me.

It's embarrassing to admit, thinking of the state I was in, childlike in my rage. But more than anything I cannot get over how I felt.

Here I had lashed out, upsetting everyone. Ben was upset by my lack of control. The kids were upset because this was not their normal mama. I was upset too, but for different reasons.

I had just acted unkind, yet I was crying out for kindness. The reaction I got was coldness, anger, fear. I didn't want to be alone, I wanted, needed a hug.

I have learned so much from this episode. I have often thought about it as I work with my young children, or anyone who has done something wrong, for that matter.

What do you want when you do something wrong?

What could help you the most? What could you learn the most from?

I have some fireball children. Their screams can make your blood boil. Their sometimes incessant behavior can drive you past the breaking point.

What do you need? How, as your parent, can I help?

I need love. I know now from my own deeply personal experience, your children need love. I used to think I knew what that meant: provide for them, pay attention, teach them how to behave. But real love shows when they are hard to love. When you are fed up. When they haven't obeyed the last 15 times. When your own emotional bank is depleted. This is love for your children.

To my oldest, Cheyenne, I am sorry. I am not there yet. The love you need is not always the love I give.
Our personalities are such that your natural tendencies can push ALL of my buttons. I am still learning what real love for a child looks like in day-to-day life. It breaks my heart any time you say, "Don't be mad at me Momma, okay?" just as exasperated as I am that we haven't figured this out yet. I am trying. I won't give up. Children need love, and as your mother that is my highest responsibility.

1 comment:

  1. Gwenivere is quick to apologize whenever she thinks I'm angry. Usually it makes me feel worst because I'm more angry at myself than her. We're still trying to figure it out too.