Monday, August 26, 2013

A bud in its infancy

This blog is a place of learning for me. I like to write about things when I feel like I have spent a lot of time exploring and thinking about different ideas. This can be misleading, since the things that are recorded here are developed thoughts. So I'm not writing after I just yelled at one of my kids. Or when I'm in a bad mood. Or when I feel like I can't take it anymore.

Today was one such day. At its close I look back and cringe, knowing this was not one of my best days as a mother.

I do want my children to see our life, to see how I've grown as a mother. And as they start their own families, I want them to see that it is a learning process that takes time. And unfortunately learning has a lot of ugly sides, where you reacted poorly first. But I don't think they need it recorded what I say when I'm angry, or how I snap when I'm exhausted. Besides, although those posts would be "real" and "true" for me in the moment, I know they do not actually contain Truth. For with those moments I am ashamed of, I know the beauty of repentance is real and I can ask for forgiveness and be wiped clean, never to have them weighing me down again.

I do mention hard times in passing, or glimpses into bad reactions, but it is hard to capture those raw emotions that make us human. I instead record what I learned from the experience, usually several days, weeks, or months after I've struggled with, reacted poorly to, or spent time moping about it. I guess what I am trying to say with this post is, I hope that my children will know what growth and change looks like. Life is long. I don't always react how I want to, there are plenty of days or hours I regret. Make that a lot of days, a lot of hours. But I'm hoping to overcome this "infancy" stage. Change doesn't look pretty. But as we reach upward, our petals extend in the full light that is Jesus Christ. And I am ever-reaching.

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