Friday, February 15, 2013

The Ultimate Joy

I went to the viewing of my friend's 2-month-old son today and I have so many thoughts racing through my mind I just have to write them down.

In the past few months I have had three friends or acquaintances' babies die. Friends who were in the very same stage as me. One older child, and welcoming a new child into the world. Only they didn't get be with this new child for very long.

I think about holding my infant and breathing in their newborn smell, holding their little fingers, kissing their fat cheeks and watching their chest rise and fall as they drift off to sleep.

I want to shield my friends from my joy, from the happiness in my life. From wrinkly newborn skin and baby smiles they know so well. I can only imagine how it would hurt to see what might have been. I can only imagine how painful it would be to see what wasn't there.

I don't know and never can know how those parents feel. I don't know their coping mechanisms or how they make it through the day. But I knew I needed to do something about how I felt.

When I heard about the third friend who's baby died, I was sick. I sobbed and sobbed, just imagining my precious perfect angel being taken from me.

Why? Why? I knew all the "right" answers... "we are here to be tested"...."they're in a better place" etc. And I knew "why" was the wrong question to be asking.

After the viewing, pieces started to come together in my head.

The first thing that I realized was that I was grieving for the wrong thing. I was grieving for the mother, for me. She won't be able to hold that baby anymore. She won't be able to kiss his cheeks.

The Lord taught me, what about the baby? His happiness?

And I realized it was true. What is the ultimate happiness? The ultimate joy? To be in the presence of our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

The other lesson I learned was one of action. When I heard about the baby's death, I wanted to express my love to my friend. So many things were holding me back. I didn't know what to say, I had no experience with it. I didn't want to appear as a gawker or a sensationalist wishing to exploit her grief, because I really did feel sorrow for her. It had been years since I had even seen this friend, so I thought it could be potentially awkward. I found out the viewing was not far from where I lived. Still, I felt ill-equipped. But I decided to just go, even if it was awkward, even if I said the wrong things. 

I can't really remember the words that were said but I definitely remember the things that were felt. Like our hearts were communicating. We were speaking and hearing a spiritual language. And that is what God wanted.

May I ever remember to speak in His language.

No comments:

Post a Comment