Monday, June 26, 2017

When I didn't like motherhood


I spent the whole last week feeling fed up with motherhood. I just couldn't do it anymore! "Please," I pleaded in prayer, "give me clarity." I felt desperate. I needed some solace, some direction.


Today was fast Sunday. Fast Sundays are unique-- the first Sunday of each month you give up food and water for two meals in order to receive promised blessings. The blessing I wanted most that day was clarity.

What was it this time that was dragging me down?

There was the clingy baby always at my feet, wanting up.
And then there were the kids who wouldn't do their chores.
And what about the whining on our walks, or trying to get kids to get on their shoes.

That was just the start of my list of things that were driving me nuts. Then started the guilt.

I'm not cut out for this. I told myself.
Why didn't I get any 'home organization' genes?
Why couldn't I be an early-bird-catches-the-worm mom, a get-up-before-the-kids-and-get-a-head-start-on-the-day mom?
Why wasn't I one of those naturally patient, loving, kind people? Cheyenne had told me earlier that week, "Mom, you're like half nice, and half mean." Hmmmm...

At the end of that Fast Sunday I felt a little defeated, weighed down with my troubles and weaknesses. I looked back over the day to collect the direction I had received. I've never been able to find answers to my prayers without first reflecting.

I found a piece here, a piece there, this is the way my prayers are most often answered.

The strong are tempted in many ways, the words came. Some are enticed to commit things they never thought they would do. Others are distracted away into destruction. And others still will be convinced they are of no worth.

There! That was it. It was in the last situation where I often found myself on dark days.

Negative words about yourself and complaints about your situation are so appealing because they're half true. Yes, the baby is more clingy than six months ago. Yes, I need to work on my patience.

I once asked Ben, "Why can't I just be content with where I am? Why am I constantly pointing out the problems?"

"It's good that you find the problems," he nodded, "because that means you're going to make things better."

The baby's too clingy, I said. The other half of the truth: But babies don't keep.
I'm not patient enough, I said, ...but I can start from where I am, and improve through Christ who strengthens me.

I know who's Child I am. And it's not somebody who feeds me lies with no solutions. I am the daughter of a strong, patient, optimistic, grateful, loving King.

Awesome article on fighting against Satan's lies here.

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