Wednesday, March 11, 2015

A chocolate chip cookie

Sometimes the days are hard. I can feel weighed down, unhappy, and dread for tomorrow. Our loving and kind Father has given us plenty of tools to keep fear out of our lives, yet still, in my finite understanding, I still sometimes choose it.

It's on days like today when it's helpful for me to look back. To dwell on the June roses past when the June of tomorrow seems too far away.

So I baked cookies tonight, my mom's chocolate chip cookies. My dad was a mission president when I was a kid, and my mom's cookies were famous. She would make pans and pans of them for the missionaries and each elder would proclaim that they were the very best he'd ever eaten. I was so proud of these cookies, I knew there couldn't be anything better on the planet. Even now, I can't make them as good as my mom. When I bite into one of her cookies it's like biting into a memory. Stars in my eyes and respect for those missionaries. Identity and a sense of place. The brass chains of the lights in the living room and the grand piano. Serving and giving to others, my mother has always exemplified that.

Other memories started to swirl around in my mind. I recalled that a dear, dear friend of mine has recently moved away. Not until my mind turns to her and the memories we've shared do I realize how much she has meant to me, and the sadness I feel in her absence. I think back with fondness to the days we spent together with our kids at the park, and the countless hours of selfless service she gave to me. Tears come to my eyes as I realize those days are past now, and new adventures await them and us.

Tomorrow is a new day. Tonight, when I kneel down to pray, I will look over my day, and pour out my soul to a Father who is listening. He will gently, lovingly point out where he could have helped me, where He could have buoyed me up during the day, if I had but turned to Him. I will repent. I will free myself of this day and the decisions I have made, and the fear I chose. And tomorrow will be a new day.